contributed by Jeff Hayden [CAD manager / designer / office goober]
EDITOR’S NOTE: One of PLiNTH & CHiNTZ’s goals is to enlighten aspiring designers about what they might encounter in this crazy, vast industry. Another is to entertain and amuse. In the case of this article, we do both. Though it’s definitely sassy and tongue-in-cheek, it’s the perfect companion piece to “Field Verification Isn’t Always a Field Trip”, which provides the uninitiated with some uncomfortable real life situations. Though we recommend that you don’t actually say these types of things out loud to your clients when you’re working on their tenant provements, there’s nothing stopping you from shouting them in your head on your next field verification assignment. It just might keep you sane.
Q. Who do you work for”
- A1. I was hired by your replacement to do some redecorating.
- A2. Al-Qaida.
- A3. The Department of Evictions.
Q. Do you have a business card”
- A1. No, I used my last one to pick the lock on this joint.
- A2. No, but I have a credit card that I found in that purse over there.
- A3. Ooooh! Is there going to be a drawing”!”
Q. Are we remodeling”
- A1. No, just downsizing. There are some empty boxes and packing tape for you in the storage closet.
- A2. Just the employee list. Got your résumé in order”
- A3. Mercy, I hope so. This place is a dump.
Q. Can I see that floor plan”
- A1. I’m guessing “yes” since you pointed right at it.
- A2. Why” Are you lost”
- A3. Yes, but I will have to kill you afterwards by way of massive paper cuts.
Q. Are we moving”
- A1. Yes, if by “moving” you mean shutting your doors and closing down this fly-by-night operation.
- A2. I didn’t feel anything.
- A3. I’m sorry. We’re you talking to me or your bowels”
Q. Are you putting a hot tub in my office”
- A1. No, just a regular tub. There have been complaints about your hygiene.
- A2. No. We’ll just release a Petrie dish with a billion bacteria instead. It’ll be cheaper, and you won’t have to move your furniture.
- A3. That was really funny. That’s the first time I’ve heard that one… since the doofus a few offices down said it. Oh, and the thousands of doofuses before him too.
Q. Are we getting new carpet”
- A1. No, the people on the floor below are getting a new ceiling.
- A2. Why” Are the urine stains under your chair bothering you”
- A3. Only in the office where we used the old carpet to roll up the murdered body of the guy who asked if he was getting a hot tub.
Q. Am I getting a plasma TV”
- A1. No, just a security camera. Management is suspicious of you.
- A2. Yes. Your boss doesn’t feel you see things clearly enough.
- A3. Close. Try asthma and TB. This is one sick building.
Q. Do you really have to measure in my office”
- A1. Nah. Accuracy is so overrated.
- A2. Hiding something, are we”
- A3. Yes. I need to make sure the cage for the trained monkey that is replacing you will fit in here.
Q. How big is my office”
- A1. 9 feet tall.
- A2. Idiot-sized.
- A3. Twice as big as it’s going to be next month.
Q. Am I getting a bigger office”
- A1. No, we are trying to figure out a way to get five more people in this space.
- A2. It will seem that way because you’re getting smaller furniture.
- A3. Yes. It’s the unemployment office. It’s humongous!
Q. What’s my square footage”
- A1. That would be the length of your office times the width of your office.
- A2. Currently or after you’re relocated to the janitorial closet”
- A3. Depends. Are you standing, sitting or lying down”
Q. Is that a tape measurer” (referring to a Disto)
- A1. Yes sir. Can you please direct me to your tape dispenser so that I may measure your tape”
- A2. No, it’s an Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator–just like the one Marvin the Martian uses.
- A3. You see, the key word in your question there would have to be “tape”. This obviously has no such tape. Therefore Einstein, it is not a tape measurer.
Q. Can you take this column out of my office”
- A1. Sure, but it would probably make more sense to just get rid of you.
- A2. Sure, if you don’t mind sharing your office with the guy directly above you.
- A3. Why not” You don’t look like you need much support.
Q. Are you moving me to a corner office”
- A1. Sorry. We’re saving those for people that matter.
- A2. From what I hear, you’ve already backed yourself into a corner.
- A3. Would you settle for a coroner’s office”